🛠️ How It All Comes Together

The 5-Step Method
Explained

How we integrate four world-class frameworks into one practical, guided process that takes about 12 minutes.

1
P

Gottman

2
N

NVC

3
F

NVC + EFT

4
E

EFT + Harvard

5
B

All 4

1

Pause & Breathe

~2 minutes • Based on: Gottman Method

When couples argue, their heart rates spike above 100 BPM — a state Dr. Gottman calls "flooding." In this state, the brain's prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic, empathy, and problem-solving) literally shuts down. You cannot think clearly when you're flooded.

💤 What This Step Does:

  • 4-7-8 Breathing Animation: Activates the parasympathetic nervous system (your body's "calm down" switch)
  • Heart Rate Self-Assessment: Helps you recognize your physiological state
  • Mandatory Cool-down Timer: Minimum 90 seconds (research shows this is the minimum time needed for cortisol levels to begin dropping)
"The single most important thing you can do for your relationship during conflict is to take a structured break before things escalate." — Dr. John Gottman
2

Name the Issue

~3 minutes • Based on: NVC + Gottman "Soft Start-Up"

Dr. Gottman found that 96% of conversations can be predicted by their first 3 minutes. Starting with criticism ("You always...") vs. a soft start-up ("I noticed...") determines whether the conversation will be productive or destructive.

📝 What This Step Does:

  • Topic Categorization: 11 conflict types mapped to solvable/perpetual classification
  • Sentence Template: Guides users from vague complaints to specific, factual observations
  • Judgment Word Detection: Real-time flagging of "always/never/you are" patterns that trigger defensiveness
Avoid (Triggers Defensiveness)Use Instead (Keeps Door Open)
"You always leave dishes out""I've noticed unwashed dishes on the counter 3 times this week"
"You never listen to me""When I was talking earlier, I felt like I wasn't being heard"
"You're so selfish""I'm feeling frustrated because I need more consideration"
3

Identify Your Feelings

~2 minutes • Based on: NVC + Emotion Granularity Research

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's research at Northeastern University shows that people with higher "emotion granularity" — the ability to distinguish between subtly different emotions — are significantly better at regulating emotions and resolving conflicts.

😭 What This Step Does:

  • 40+ Emotion Words in 5 Categories: Anger-based, Sadness-based, Fear-based, Shame-based, Surprise-based
  • Emotion-to-Need Mapping: Each emotion automatically surfaces likely unmet needs (based on NVC needs inventory)
  • Intensity Slider (1-10): Helps calibrate emotional intensity for honest communication
  • Auto-generated Feeling Statement: "I feel [emotion] because I need [need]"

Surface emotion

"I'm angry"

Deeper emotion (our tool reveals)

"I feel rejected, insecure, misunderstood"

4

Walk in Their Shoes

~3 minutes • Based on: EFT + Harvard Negotiation

Dr. Sue Johnson's EFT research proves that most fights are actually "attachment protests" — your partner isn't attacking you, they're crying out for connection. Combined with Harvard's "positions vs. interests" framework, this step transforms "me vs. you" into "us vs. the problem."

🤝 What This Step Does:

  • Partner Emotion Selection: Choose what your partner might be feeling beneath their behavior
  • Partner Need Mapping: Auto-suggests likely unmet needs based on selected emotion
  • 9 Core Human Needs Grid: Visual reference of universal attachment needs (safety, belonging, autonomy, etc.)
  • Surface vs. Deep Table: Shows how common disputes map to underlying attachment needs
"The biggest shift in any fight happens when you stop asking 'Why are they doing this to me?' and start asking 'What need are they trying to meet?'" — Adapted from William Ury, Harvard Negotiation Project
5

Build a Bridge

~2 minutes • Based on: All 4 Frameworks Integrated

This final step synthesizes everything from the previous 4 steps into an actionable opening script, repair suggestions, and a clear understanding of whether your conflict is solvable or perpetual. It's where science becomes action.

🌱 What This Step Does:

  • Auto-Generated Opening Script: A complete NVC-formatted statement using all previous inputs
  • Conflict Type Classification: Solvable (concrete plan) vs. Perpetual (dialogue goal) based on topic
  • Repair Attempt Suggestions: Specific actions drawn from Gottman's repair taxonomy
  • Action Checklist: 5 concrete next steps tailored to your conflict type
  • Fair Fighting Rules: 16 evidence-based rules for healthy disagreement

⚗ The Integration Map:

Gottman

Cool-down, Repair attempts, Conflict type

NVC

Script formula, Observation language

EFT

Attachment lens, Empathy mapping

Harvard

Interests over positions, Win-win